Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The John Doe Manifesto

Michelle Malkin's brilliant parody of the self-righteous insanity that passes for thinking in conservative circles really — what? You mean she's serious?
Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,
By Malkin's standards, this means "everyone to the left of Newt Gingrich, plus libertarians."
I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.
Lift? Did I miss the part where Malkin's target audience lives in a flat on the Thames and wears pants under their trousers and tries not to get hit by a lorry while pulling the spare tyre from the boot?
I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.
Yikes. I guess we're surrounded by scary people after all.
I will act when homeland security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity.”
Which is to say, any activity she disagrees with.
I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: “If you see something, say something.”
"No, really, anything. A blathering ejaculation of a manifesto for the insane, even."
I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.
Because that's a job for Americans, damn it!
I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.
Only Republicans and Christians get to do that.
I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.
With her own!
I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.
Wow, that's a bold statement.
I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.
Another bold statement. Because you just know we're a hair's breadth away from sharia in the United States. Wait.
I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about “profiling” or “Islamophobia.”
Good thing for Malkin it wasn't a group of Asian-looking Indonesian Muslims who hijacked those planes…
I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.
Because putting the United States above multiculturalism is much better than doing so with Islam. Oh, I'm sorry, it's the same fucking thing.
I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.
Again, stepping on Uncle Sam's turf.
I am John Doe.
If only you were actually so anonymous.

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